Luca Toni

Today's rant is inspired by the France v Italy Euro 2008 football match. Luca Toni is a late bloomer, one of those players who do nothing for most of their careers then all of sudden seem to be a bit better than average. I can't remember when I first heard of Luca Toni. He appeared out of nowhere. Somewhere I wish he would politely return to.

I like football. I watch it a lot, I play it a lot. I like to think I can spot a good player. However, Mr Toni is an idiot. He scores plenty of goals in domestic football, but whenever I watch him play, he looks like a pub league player. For a man that's 6ft odd, he should be out-jumping the centre backs marking him. However, he can't jump. When he does actually attempt to jump, he feels the need to foul whoever is marking him. Clearly he does not realise that if he uses his brain (assuming he has one) and makes it to the ball BEFORE the man marking him, he wouldn't need to foul him and has more chance of scoring.

Another thing. He has some of the best players in the world setting him up, playing through balls. I want to see the stats for how many passes and one on one's with the keeper he misses. His first touch is good. His finishing is gash. I doubt he could finish his dinner some nights.

Why does he look so surprised when he misses?! You know the one I mean.

Surely, with him doing it so often, the shock will have worn off? Apparently not. In fact, if he likes, I can break the news gently to him just before he takes a shot that he is going to miss. Really, I don't mind. For some reason, he gets a start every single game. He's not that good. How can he be so slow? He's an athlete. He trains for a living. Yet he's still slower than my gran. That's really a good quality of a centre forward. So let's sum him up. Slow in the air. Slow on the ground. Can't finish. Drama queen.

Yet, the absolute worst thing about Luca Toni was that daft celebration he used to do which made him look like your Grandad punching the air. Why?! Just... why!

Luca Toni. You're an idiot.